Jokes - Page 2

[almostbob]

Adam and Eve walk through paradise. Adam said to Eve, "Do you actually love me?", In which Eva replied: "Of course, who else?".

She still counts his ribs every night while he's asleep

[Reverend Jim]

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:

'Da End is Near Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thib and asks 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.... 'Bridge Out?'

[J.C. SolvoTerra]

One morning a woman gets up to find her clothes full of powder. "What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Slim Fast", he replies, "Maybe it could help you lose weight".

The next morning, as the husband is getting dressed, he notices a pile of powder in his underwear.

"What's this then?" he asks his wife.

"miracle grow" replies his wife

[J.C. SolvoTerra]

10 Print "Home"
20 Print "Sweet"
30 GOTO 10

[Sarkurd]

You guys made my day.
Thank you.

[vegaseat]

"Honey, I can't come to bed now, someone on the internet is wrong!"

[sneekula]

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

[ddanbe]

Talking about old ladies, this is a classic I guess:

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[vegaseat]

Hearing problems:
Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, “It’s windy.”
Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”
The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a soda.”

[almostbob]

You've seen all the commercials. But here's what really happened when I asked for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours.

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

• 1/3 ownership in the store,
• a company pickup truck,
• a king size bed and
• $3,000 a month in living expenses."

[vegaseat]

If you are too open minded, your brain will fall out.

[ddanbe]

Question: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer 1: None, it's a hardware issue
Answer 2: A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a Change() method from a generic base Lighting class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.

[ddanbe]

C C# C C# C C# C C# C C# and then a great white shark bites!

[BitBlt]

Two Database Administrators walk into a NoSQL bar. They leave because they can't find a table.

[ZZucker]

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

[ZZucker]

When I was in Mumbai, India recently, I saw a sign on a vehicle that said, 'English speaking taxi driver'.

I thought to myself,
"What a wonderful idea. Why don't we have them in London, England?"

Two jumper cables walk into a bar and the bartender says
"you better not start anything in here"

[sneekula]

Boy in a letter to Santa: "Send me a baby brother."
Santa in a letter to boy: "Send me your mother."

[almostbob]

GOLDEN URINAL

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal is gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke. I reckon we got a lead on the guy who peed in your saxophone last night."

[almostbob]

Do hippos think rhinos are unicorns ?

[Jerry_6]

Happy Thanksgiving, guys! I'm new here, but I couldn't miss to share this thanksgiving prayer with you...it is very geeky and funny :D

[vegaseat]

Messages on Benny Hill's Brick wall:
Q:
HOW DO YOU TELL
AN IRISHMAN ON A
COMPUTER DATE?
A:
HE'S LOOKING FOR
SOMEWHERE TO
PLUG IT IN

Q:
WHAT'S BLACK & BLUE
AND FLOATS UPSIDE DOWN
IN THE IRISH SEA?
A:
AN ENGLISHMAN
WHO KEEPS TELLING
IRISH JOKES

[Reverend Jim]

The junior coroner is on duty when a body is brought into the morgue. While examining the back side of the body he notices a cork stuck in the man's butt. When he removes the cork he hears the strains of "Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys...". He replaces the cork and the music stops. He removes the cork and the music resumes with, "Don't give 'em guitars and let 'em drive trucks...". He replaces the cork and leaves to fetch his boss. When they return, he says to the senior coroner, "listen to this", then removes the cork. Once again he hears "Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such...". He replaces the cork and says, "well, aren't you surprised?" His boss says, "not really. Any a$$hole can sing country."

[GrimJack]

I have a great new knock knock joke - you start it

[sneekula]

Knock knock!
Who's there?
"I am the beginning of the end
and the end of space and time"
Who are you?
"e"

[woooee]

From the kids: Where do you find a turkey with no legs. Right where you left it.

[vegaseat]

From the grandkids. What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing, he won't come anyway.

[Reverend Jim]

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

[vegaseat]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

[<M/>]

A boy wrote to santa, "I want a brother."
Santa writes back, "Send me your mother."