How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by
the time she brings it to the couch.

It is not true that married man live longer than bachelors.
It only seems longer.

What do you respond when your wife asks: "What's on TV tonight?"
Dust.

How do you know if a woman is going to say something intelligent?
If her sentence starts with: "My man said that...".

COME ON GIRLS AND LADIES! PLEASE DO THE OPPOSITE!!!

's true
QE2, always says 'My Husband and I" when its something important

My wife did something yesterday with her mouth, the dream of every man.
She held him close.

A couple of years ago, six toilets were
stolen from the Richmond Police Department.
Police were mystified and said, . . . they
had nothing to go on.

You can't tell puns to kleptomaniacs. They take things, literally.

Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed in his desire to become a great writer.
When he was asked to define "Great" he said:
I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make people scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!

He now works at Microsoft writing error messages....

NOTICE:
PLEASE NOTICE!!!!!

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you
to notice. And, we have noticed that some of our notices have
not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed
that the responses to the notices have been noticeably
unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice
the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want
the notices to go unnoticed.

From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices

Not a joke, but a good riddle for kids.

What belongs to you but is used by others more than you. Your name.

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad , what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Due to political correctness a 'DUMB BLONDE' is now a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY'.

Posted sign: If you trespass your children will be given all the surgar cookies they can hold, and a kitten.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

Every non trivial program has at least one bug.
Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.
Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey,
a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."

Then he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch
so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I
eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A
couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

What do you call it when someone does the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome - a freethrow champ.

I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge

A well dressed gentleman was passing a not so well dressed beggar, noticing thisone was wearing just one shoe. "You lost a shoe." The gentleman said.
"No" replied the beggar, "I just found one".

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

A Farmer Was Selling Peaches Door To Door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

I'm really tired
didn't get much sleep last night
I stayed up making voodoo dolls for, well you'll know who soon enough

Help, I need a trainbransplant!

commented: Bake the hall in the candle of her brain? +0

Monk : the "R"
A young monk arrives at the monastery, assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. The new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
That error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The abbot, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the basement,
the sub basement,
the catacombs,
into dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault hewn from solid rock,
that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees the abbot banging his head against the wall and wailing.
We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was... celebrate !!!"

My greatest fear has become reality.
My wife is allergic to our spaniel Bobby !
This is a tough decision, but I am looking for someone who can help us and can offer a warm and cozy home .
FYI: She is 43 years , measuring 1.72 m weighs 65 kg and is called Josephine.

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn! He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face ‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’ He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’

‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’