Time for some humour before Jan 20

[Reverend Jim]

I'd tell you a UDP joke but you might not get it.

[Reverend Jim]

Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

[rproffitt]

Electrical worker's joke:

Q. Why do the lines hum?
A. Because they don't know the words.

[Salem]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those that know binary, and those that don't.

[Reverend Jim]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After the 7th order the bartender pours 2 beers and says, "you fellas out to know your limits."

[Reverend Jim]

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong."

[Salem]

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was a tense moment.

[Reverend Jim]

I tried walking up a hill without a watch, but I had neither the time nor the inclination.

[Reverend Jim]

There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

[Reverend Jim]

I walked into the lingerie department of Macy’s and told the sales lady,
“I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size - 34B.”

With a puzzled look, the sales lady asked, “What kind of bra?”

I repeated, “A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she
wanted a Southern Baptist bra and that you'd know what she wanted.”

“Oh, yes, now I understand,” said the sales lady. “We don’t get as many
requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the
Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.”

Confused, and a little flustered, I asked, “So, what are the differences?”

The sales lady responded. “It’s really quite simple. The Catholic bra
supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts the fallen, and the
Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.”

I pondered on that information for a minute and said, “Hmm. I know
I’ll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?”

“Ah,” she replied, “the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of
molehills.

[Reverend Jim]

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would
make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

[betterjoy]

Here’s a little humor to lighten your day:

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

They don't have the guts!

Hope that brought a smile! Let me know if you need more!

[Reverend Jim]

A salesman is going door to door in the country when he pulls into a farmer's yard and stops as a three-legged pig wanders across the yard in front of him. A moment later the farmer comes out to see what the visitor wants. The salesman says "I'd like to show you our products, but first I have to ask you about that three-legged pig."

The farmer says, "Let me tell you about that great pig. A month ago I was ploughing the north forty when my rear wheels got stuck in the mud. The tractor flipped over and pinned me underneath. I could have died there but that pig ran to the house squealing until my wife came out and saw what happened. That pig saved my life."

"Yeah", says the salesman, "but why does he have three legs?"

"Let me tell you about that great pig", he again starts. "Two weeks ago we all went to bed and my wife left the stove on. The wind blew the curtains over and they caught fire. The house would have burned down with us trapped upstairs except the pig smelled the smoke and squealed until we woke up, just in time to put the fire out. That pig saved all our lives."

The salesman repeats, "but why does he have three legs?"

The farmer replies, "Hey, a great pig like that you don't want to eat all at once."

[Reverend Jim]

It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but it's a forty-five minute walk from the pub back to my house.

The difference is staggering.

[Salem]

Why don't skeletons go to parties?

Because they have nobody to go with.

[Pebble94464]

I took a skeleton to the haunted gym today. He wanted to watch the ghost train.

[Salem]

I found an advert for a really nice looking DeLorean car.

I asked about the mileage, and they replied it was only used from time to time.

[Dani]

A friend in the SEO industry (Jim Boykin) used to have a Delorean he bought off of EBay with the license plate TIMECAR. He’s since sold it, unfortunately.

[MasoodDidThat]

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar.
And doesn’t.

[Reverend Jim]

Rex was a very stupid dog, except for one thing: he could play the kazoo. His owners, George and Mary Heel, exploited him shamelessly with several performances a day, but Rex just wagged his tail and kept tooting. Finally, the SPCA filed a complaint against his owners: “The Heels star a live witless hound of music.”

[MasoodDidThat]

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.

[Reverend Jim]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "thank you."

I said, "Don't mention it."

[Pebble94464]

Two elephants jump off a cliff. Boom boom!

[Reverend Jim]

A guy from New York is driving through the southern bible belt when he sees two men putting up a sign that says "Turn Yourself Around. The End Is Near". He ignores it and drives on. A few moments later the men hear a squeal of brakes followed by a loud splash. One man turns to the other and says, "Maybe it should just read Bridge Out".

[Dani]

OMG, I can't with the dad jokes.

[Reverend Jim]

Example of Dad joke:

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

[Dani]

Example of Dad joke:

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

Boooo.

[Reverend Jim]

In the same vein...

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half-way.

[Pebble94464]

I was going to sail around the globe in the world's smallest ship, but then I bottled it.

[trcooke]

A QA tester walks into a bar, orders -4 beers, "2" whiskeys, and Integer.MAX_VALUE + 1 packets of crisps.