If you’ve ever checked out of a grocery store, you’ve seen Cosmopolitan, Seventeen’s hussy mother, prominently on display in magazine racks next to packs of Juicy Fruit and 2-for-1 Heath Bars promising “7 New Ways to Satisfy Your Lover.” The editorials, which are laughable at best, have helped bring men from Mars and women from Venus past their relationship issues together on a mattress here on Earth. If you’re sick of paying for yearly subscriptions to the world’s leading estrogen journal to have to sift through 150 pages of perfume ads to learn "The Passion Pretzel" or the "Frolicking Fruit Roll-Up" (I made that one up because the first one made me hungry), then you’re in luck!
Today,Cosmo released the “Sex Position of the Day” app on Google’s Android Market. Users looking for their daily dose of carnal knowledge will have to look no further than their touchscreens. The app provides users with a new sex position daily, displayed in a colorful, cartoonish depiction of the Kama Sutra poses. A Carnal Challenge rating displays in saucy little flames the difficulty of the position, while the Erotic Instructions narrate the next 10 minutes of your life.
The app has been available since December 2009 in the iTunes Store and has been downloaded more than 80,000 by users like “The Fashion Office”, who described the product as, “Rated Triple F: Fun, Fearless & Fabulous.” User Loudan Claire raises some concerns: “Too bad it cannot be used offline: I have a touch and wifi [sic] is not always available when & where I want to do some dirty work.” So sex addicts take note: if you were intending on shaming a local park or classing it up at a drive-in, you will need a Wi-Fi connection to make that station wagon less stationary.
Odds are though, if you’re using an Android phone as part of a ménage à trois, you should already know by now that there is no saving your marriage from a few more years of the missionary position before your wife splits with the kids and the minivan and you're left to cook Hamburger Helper dinners for yourself. Perhaps the part where you were under bed sheets with a mobile phone trying to satisfy your significant other via a Cosmo sex app might have had something to do with your sexual inadequacies leading to severe intimacy issues?
Women also shouldn’t need a sex app on their phone telling them which position their man will love, because let’s be honest: that is ANY position. A prude male is comparable to bad pizza: sure it exists, but you take a slice anyways just because it's pizza.
The app is currently available for download from the Android Market for $2.99; the shame of using it seriously will cost you most of your self-worth.