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Some of us just want a satnav which tells us how to get from A to B while avoiding traffic congestion. Others, apparently, want a satnav that imitates SpongeBob SquarePants for reasons which, to be frank, are completely beyond me. After all, I don't live in a pineapple under the sea.

Yet the market leader in satnav devices, TomTom, has today announced the availability of a SpongeBob SquarePants voice (following the success of the Homer Simpson satnav) for users of its products. Indeed, the jovial press release even informs me that it will help users to navigate beyond Bikini Bottom. Well whoopy bleedin' do.

So what do you get courtesy of this partnership between TomTom and Nickelodeon, other than extremely annoyed and a headache by the time you arrive that is? Well I am reliably informed that SpongeBob "and his friends" (oh God help us all) add to the navigation commentary with such comments as "Hey, I don’t have a license to drive. So is it illegal when I drive Mr. Krabs crazy?" and "Exit ahead. Hey, we’re cruisin’ in a car! I’ve only cruised in a boat before!"

If that's not bad enough, and believe me it is, it really, really is, then you could choose Dora the Explorer quipping "We need to exit left ahead. ¡Vámonos! We're getting closer!" or "Adventures are better with an explorer like you" if you prefer a different route to your mental breakdown.

The TomTom press release does not make it clear if SpongeBob, or Dora for that matter, will pick up the tab for your costs after you crash while trying to figure out where you should be going or, more likely, desperately trying to turn the damn thing off before you descend into cartoon character-initiated Hell.

What it did say, in a very grown up and not at all cartoon voice, was "Working with Spot It Out and Nickelodeon enables TomTom to expand the range we can deliver to drivers so that drivers can personalise their devices with an array of fun personalities" according to Tom Murray, senior vice president of market development who added "The voices of Dora the Explorer and SpongeBob SquarePants arrive just in time for TomTom users to enjoy during their summer adventures – from camp carpools to vacations – and keep the whole family entertained along the way".

And at only £7.95 for each voice who could possibly resist, he says slowly raising hand...

As Editorial Director and Managing Analyst with IT Security Thing I am putting more than two decades of consulting experience into providing opinionated insight regarding the security threat landscape for IT security professionals. As an Editorial Fellow with Dennis Publishing, I bring more than two decades of writing experience across the technology industry into publications such as Alphr, IT Pro and (in good old fashioned print) PC Pro. I also write for SC Magazine UK and Infosecurity, as well as The Times and Sunday Times newspapers. Along the way I have been honoured with a Technology Journalist of the Year award, and three Information Security Journalist of the Year awards. Most humbling, though, was the Enigma Award for 'lifetime contribution to IT security journalism' bestowed on me in 2011.

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