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An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies over and relieves itself on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Go, get some toilet paper."

"What for? The bird must be half-a-mile away by now."

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Doctor: "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to heavy drinking."
Patient: "In that case I'll come back when you're sober!"

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Housewife to house painter:
"Let's go to the master bedroom and I will show you the spot my husband touches when he takes his pants off."

Painter: "Lady, I am not that kind of painter, besides I am married."

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7 reasons not to mess with children.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.""Yes," the class said."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"A little fellow shouted,"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:"Take only ONE . God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

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George Bush's official function in his fraternity at Yale was "Foosball Tournament Administrator".

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Husband: "I read here that women use 20,000 words each day and men only 10,000."
Wife: "That's because we have to repeat everything we say to men!"
Husband: "What?"

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Found on another site just had to share

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

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The Pope contacted all of his Cardinals with the urgent message, "Get to Rome as quickly as you can!"

Once there he assembled them and said, "I'm afraid I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news; God spoke to me on the phone and told me that the world was going to end this Friday, and we should prepare our congregations."

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," queried a Cardinal, "If that is the good news, what could the bad news possibly be?

"He was calling from Mecca!"

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So a physicist is driving, speeding, down the road at 100 miles an hour. A police car is hiding on the road side and catches him speeding and starts chasing the car. Eventually, after a dangerous and death defying drive, the police man catches up to the car and stops it. He walks up to the man and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?", to which the man replies "No, but I know exactly where I am".

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Two elderly tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

Soon they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one of the tourists asked the server, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

The cute blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

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A rabbi and a minister were at the neighbourhood picnic. As they rode in one of the boats on the lake, the rabbi stood up, stepped out of the boat, and walked over the water to the nearby stretch of land.

Astonished, the minister decided to see if he could duplicate this miraculous feat. He stepped out of the boat and sank, but managed to swim ashore.

As he stood there drying himself off, the rabbi walked over and said, "Next time ask me first, and I will show you where the rocks are!"

Votes + Comments
Heh.
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A prisoner about to go in front of the firing squad was asked if he had one final wish. He said he would like to sing his favorite song, one time through, with no interruptions.

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The prisoner starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall ... "

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After 10 years of marriage, Misery has fallen out of love with Company and spends whole days fantasizing about a three-some with Regret.

Then there is this interesting result of the latest Gallup pole:
About 80% of teeth admit to being really happy when you bite your tongue.

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A young woman visits her parents and brings her new fiance to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.

The father invites the young man to his library for a drink. "So what are your plans?" The father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar." He says.

"A Torah scholar, hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks her husband, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

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After speeding his sports car the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going so fast by the curious speed cop.

"I'm not really sure," confessed the drunken driver, "but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already!"

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Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you."

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A blond walks into a bar all alone on Monday and orders 3 mugs; sits in a corner and drinks it. Next Monday she does the same, and so the next one.

Finally one Monday bartender asks what's it all abt? She explains that her 2 sisters have gone far away and as they were missing each other so much they've made a pact to drink every Monday at the same time wherever they are. Bartender finds it very touching and offers the drinks on the house.

This goes on for a few years, and one Monday the blond walks in and orders 2 mugs instead of 3. The bartender hears this, assumes the worst. Feeling very sad he offers his deepest condolences at her loss. The blond says "Oh no both my sisters are alright, I quit drinking".

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, I'm yours.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

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The 1st Affair :

A married man was having an affair with his secretary... ....One day they went her place and made love all afternoon... ....Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM........The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.......He put on his shoes and drove home.....'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.... ...'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary... .....We had sex all afternoon.' ....... 'You lying bastard! ........You' ve been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair :

A middle-aged couple had two beaut! iful daughters but always talked
about having a son.......They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted...... ..The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.......The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son........He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen........ He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby........ Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' ........ The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'


The 3th Affair :

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door........ 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' .......She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder...... .'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' ......! ...'What' s this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.......' Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it
so much I got one for us, too.' .......No more was said, not even when they went to bed........Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.......' Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.' .......


The 4th Affair :

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.......' Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' .........'One Cent?' the man thought..... ..He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' ......'A nickel,' the barman replied..... ..'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' ........The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.' ..! ....The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' .......The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'


The 5th Affair :

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside..... ...He looked up and said weakly, 'I have something I must confess.' .........'There' s no need to,' his wife replied..... ...
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!' .......'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

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Funny lines from Cricket:
***********************************************************

"Whatever talent the team management has seen in Raina, the youngster has done well to conceal it on the international stage."
Krish Srikkanth questions Suresh Raina's presence in the team

***********************************************************

"Man, it don't matter where you come in to bat, the score is still
zero." -Viv Richards to Sunil Gavaskar at Madras 1983
Gavaskar had decided to relinquish his opening position and come in at
no 4 for that test. But, Malcolm Marshall fired out Anshuman Gaekwad and
Dilip Vengsarkar for ducks, setting the stage for Gavaskar to walk in at
0/2.And he thought there would be less pressure!

***********************************************************

Greg Thomas was bowling to Viv Richards in a county game.
Viv missed a superb outswinger, and Thomas said
"It's red, round and weighs about 5 1/2 ounces."
Next ball Viv hits Greg Thomas out of the ground for a 6 and
replies,"Greg, you know what it looks like. Go ahead and find it!"

***********************************************************

Australia fighting for a win nearing the end of a Test Match
Fred Trueman at the crease. The Aus captain has plenty of close-in
fielders, whose shadows fall on the wicket.
Fredie finds this objectionable. 'Ere, if you lads don't back off, I'll
appeal for bad light!"

***********************************************************

The best one
(Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by Harold "Dickie" Bird)
"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character, played for
Glocuestershire and Nottinghamshire. He used to bat at No.11 since one
couldn't bat any lower. Of him, they used to paraphrase Compton's famous
words describing an equally inept runner; "When he shouts 'YES'
for a run, it is merely the basis for further negotiations!"
Incidentally, Compton was no better.
John Warr said, of Compton "He was the only person who would call you
for a run and wish you luck at the same time." Anyway, when Wells played
for Gloucs, he had an equally horrendous runner as the No.10.
During a county match, horror of horrors.......both got injured.

*Both* opted for runners when it was their turn to bat.
Bomber played a ball on the off, called for a run, forgot he had a
runner and ran himself. Ditto at the other end. In the melee, someone
decided that a second run was on. Now we had *all four* running. Due to
the confusion and constant shouts of "YES" "NO", eventually, *all* of
them ran to the same end.
Note - at this point in time, the entire ground is rolling on the floor
laughing their behinds out. One of the fielders - brave lad - stops
laughing for a minute, picks the ball and throws down the wicket at the
other end. Umpire Alec Skelding looks very seriously at the four and
calmly informs them "One of you buggers is out. I don't know which.
*You* decide and inform the bloody scorers!".

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ROFL...I can't believe I'd be laughing this hard. You really got a nice thread going on here buddies. I'm already teary eyed LOL.:D

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ROFL...I can't believe I'd be laughing this hard. You really got a nice thread going on here buddies. I'm already teary eyed.

Yeh, ive read this thread start to finish :P

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