We need to laugh...

[The Dude]

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

5. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroids

6. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

7. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

8. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

9. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

10. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

11. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

12. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

13. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

14. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

15. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

16. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

17. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

18. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat

:D

[dcc]

Did you hear about the guy that cut the whole left side of his body off in a chainsaw accident? He's all right.

[Sturm]

har har.

[sk8ndestroy14]

Ha, I liked those.

[christina>you]

I thought this was pretty funny...

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[arjunsasidharan]

well how about these.. :cool:

Cigarette:
A Pinch Of Tobacco Rolled In Paper With Fire At One End & A Fool At The Other.

Love Affairs:
Something Like Cricket Where One-Day
Internationals Are More Popular Than A Five Day Test.

Marriage:
It's An Agreement In Which A Man Loses His Bachelor Degree
And A Woman Gains Her Master...

Divorce:
Future Tense Of Marriage...

Lecture:
An Art Of Transferring Information From The Notes Of The Lecturer
To The Notes Of The Students Without Passing Through "The Minds Of Either".

Conference:
The Confusion Of One Man Multiplied By The Number Present...

Compromise:
The Art Of Dividing A Cake In Such A Way That Everybody Believes He Got The Biggest Piece.

Tears:
The Hydraulic Force By Which Masculine Will-Power Is Defeated By Feminine Water-Power.

Dictionary:
A Place Where Divorce Comes Before Marriage and Success Before Work...

Conference Room:
A Place Where Everybody Talks, Nobody Listens & Everybody Disagrees Later On.

Ecstasy:
A Feeling When You Feel You Are Going To Feel A Feeling You Have Never Felt Before.

Classic:
A Book Which People Praise, But Do Not Read.

Smile:
A Curve That Can Set A Lot Of Things Straight.

Office:
A Place Where You Can Relax After Your Strenuous Home Life.

Yawn:
The Only Time Some Married Men Ever Get To Open Their Mouth.

Etc.:
A Sign To Make Others Believe That You Know More Than You Actually Do.

Committee:
Individuals Who Can Do Nothing Individually And Sit To Decide That Nothing Can Be Done Together.

Experience :
The Name Men Give To Their Mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An Invention To End All Inventions.

Philosopher:
A Fool Who Torments Himself During Life, To Be Spoken Of When Dead.

Diplomat:
A Person Who Tells You To Go To Hell In Such A Way That You Actually Look Forward To The Trip.

Opportunist:
A Person Who Starts Taking Bath If He Accidentally Falls Into A River.

Optimist:
A Person Who While Falling From Eiffel Tower Says In Midway "See I Am Not Injured Yet."

Pessimist:
A Person Who Says That O Is The Last Letter In ZERO, Instead Of The First Letter In Word OPPORTUNITY.

Miser:
A Person Who Lives Poor So That He Can Die Rich.

Father:
A Banker Provided By Nature.

Criminal:
A Guy No Different From The Rest... Except That He Got Caught.

Boss:
Someone Who Is Early When You Are Late And Late When You Are Early.

Politician:
One Who Shakes Your Hand Before Elections And Your Confidence After.

Doctor:
A Person Who Kills Your Ills By Pills, And Kills You With His Bills.

[arjunsasidharan]

i got a mail today at office. Found it funny. Wanted to share it with you guys. :)

Frustrated Exam Answers:

See the limits in proton.jpg!!! ultimate… :D

[WaltP]

Those are great arjunsasidharan!, Thanks

[~s.o.s~]

Those are great, esp the 'expand' and the 'find x' one. Keep up the good work and keep them coming Arjun since 'we need to laugh'. :-)

[WaltP]

A lady brought a pigeon to the vet and laid it on the examining table.

"Please do something for Cuddles! He's sick"

The Vet looks at the bird and tells her "Sorry, the bird's dead"

"No!! He can't be! Do something!"

Taken aback, the vet tries birdie CPR and artificial respiration. Nothing. "Sorry, Ma'am, he's a gonner."

"You DO something! Fix Cuddles"

"Ok", sighs the doc. He goes into the back room and brings out a huge Black Labrador. The Labrador puts his front paws on the examining table and sniffs the bird up and down. After a couple minutes, the dog turns and leaves.

"See? Nothing."

Not quite believing, She sobs, "you gotta do something. This is my Cuddles."

Resignedly, he goes into the back room again and returns with a huge Calico Tabby. The cat circles the bird a few time, sniffs a couple times, circles again. Bat's at the bird with her paws, looks up at the doc, and jumps off the table and disappears into the back room.

"See? Nothing. You have a deceased bird."

Finally believing, she says "OK. I guess Cuddles is really gone. How much do I owe you?"

"$150.00" says the vet.

"$150.00!!! Are you kidding? Just to tell me Cuddles is dead?"

"Well, it would have only been $25.00, but after the Lab test and the Cat scan..."

[~s.o.s~]

> Lab test and the Cat scan..
Hehe.

[Aia]

Some more.

[sk8ndestroy14]

Those are good. Keep 'em coming.

[Aia]

It is a little hard to read in the file. So here's the transcription. Please view the jpeg file for comments of the teacher.
____________________________________________________

Coming is like El Niño!

El Niño is spanish. It is the spanish word for child. Like all things spanish, it

is dangerous. It kills people and burns down trees. This child is more than a child. It

really isn't a child at all. It is a storm. A deadly storm that kills people and burns

down trees.
Warm water usually builds up around australia. But not anymore with el niño. El

Niño moves the warm water from australia to somewhere else, namely to other places. Where

are these other places?. These are places that also have water, but water that usually not

as warm as the warm water El Niño moves to these said other places. These other places are

to the east. Of the water.
In Peru, they have many names for many things. One of the things they have names

for is for people who go fishing, go fishing to make a living. If we had a word for this

kind of people that word would be "fisherman". But we don't. In Peru, they have different

names for things than we do in America. They call that kind of people "pescadores".

That's Spanish. That's what they speak in Peru. When El Niño comes, these "pescadores"

can't catch any fish. El Niño is caused when the Peruvian gods get angry. They have been

angry for millions of years and have made El Niño for millions of years. Many many moons

ago, the Peruvians committed human sacrifice to satiate their gods and end the flood that

was caused by El Niño. In today's modern dog-eat-dog work-a-day world of scientists,

diplomats, McSalad Shakers, and George Bush Jr., we no longer have access to such

solutions. We are too proud. We will not commit human sacrifices. We refuse to satiate

the Peruvian gods. Thus, they remain angry and keep killing us and burning down our trees

with El Niño.
Instead of satiating the gods, many of these "scientists" have tried to control El

Niño with "science". They put up expensive fish-attracting-bueys that run on flashlight

batteries. Imagine, fighting the power of the gods with flashlight batteries! Needless

to say, this didn't work and everyone died.

[arjunsasidharan]

Aia.. those two were good.. :D

[christina>you]

;o)

[linux]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? I heard it was intense!

[sk8ndestroy14]

ha, el nino was great.

[sk8ndestroy14]

A little cheesy but here goes.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A: Right where you left it.

[vegaseat]

In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign
directly above the sink. It had a single word on it
-- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked
at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap
dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign
which read -- "Thoap!"

[Ancient Dragon]

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place............

The grass is almost a foot high."

[Aia]

Grass alone, without even a little mustard, that's terrible conditions indeed.

[~s.o.s~]

Here are some:

One day a man is sitting in his office and all of a sudden he hears a voice "Quit you job, leave your wife sell your house and fly to Vegas" he thinks nothing of it and goes about his day.

The next day he hears the voice twice say "Quit you job, leave your wife sell your house and fly to Vegas" hes a bit weirded out but ignores it and goes about his business.

The next day he hears the voice every hour, "Quit you job, leave your wife sell your house and fly to Vegas". He gets worried but is afraid to tell any1 and goes about his business.

The next day he hears the voice every minute, "Quit you job, leave your wife sell your house and fly to Vegas".

He can stand it anymore, so he quits his job, sells the house, calls his wife to tell her its over and get the first plane to Vegas with all his cash.

When he arrives in Vegas, the voice says "Goto Caesar's Palace". He grabs a cab and heads to the casino. Then voice then says "Go to the roulette table". He goes in and heads to the roulette table.

The voice then says "Bet it all on Red 22". He places all his worldly money on red 22. The dealer spins the wheel and says "black 5".

The voice in his head says `Oh F*$%'.

A drunk is walking down the side of the road on his way home. He sees a car broke down with it's owner looking under the hood.
"Hey buddy, howya dooin'?" slurs the drunk. "Piston broke" is the reply."No foolin', me too!" says the drunk.

Two guys sitting on stools at the bar, they're both pretty loaded. One of them turns to the other and says "you know it's so windy outside today, I bet if you jumped out that window you'd be blown right back in". "No way", says the second guy, "that's impossible, we're five stories up".

"Tell you what", says the first, "I'll bet you 100 bucks that if I jump out that window I'll be blown right back into this bar, in fact right back onto this stool". The second guy figures he's got nothing to lose and accepts the challenge. The first guy gets up from his stool, runs over to the window, crashes through and is blown back into the room. Not only that, blown clear across the room and onto his stool.

The second guy is dumbfounded, but pulls the $100 out of his wallet. "Tell you what says the first guy. You try it, double or nothing" The second guy gets up, runs across the room, jumps out the window and plunges to his death. The bartender turns to the first guy, "gee Superman you can be a real *$*%*%* when you're drinking".

[christina>you]

Haha, those are good.

[linux]

Hehe, ~s.o.s~, funny. I liked the superman one.

[jbennet]

A little cheesy but here goes.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A: Right where you left it.

Q: What do you call a dear with no eyes?

A: No eye-deer ! (idea)

[EnderX]

If pro is the opposite of con, is Congress the opposite of progress?

111111111111111111111111111111111111
(Just a quick one-liner.)

A man opened up his refridgerator one day to see a rabbit lounging against the fridge wall near the ligth bulb.
"What are you doing in here?" The man asked.
The rabbit looked up. "This is a Westinghouse, right? I'm Westing!"

A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

[jamello]

Here are some:

That was pretty good, man. I like the superman stuff too. Never heard any of it before.

[sk8ndestroy14]

Okay, let's see if I remember this one the right way.

A lawyer takes a trip out to the country to go hunting. He shoots a duck and can see where it falls. He starts moving towards it and comes across a fence. Looking around he thinks he won't be seen so he jumps the fence and finds the duck. As soon as he finds it the owner of the land rides up on his horse and gets off. He said, "You can't take anything from someone else's property." and the lawyer says, "I'm a lawyer and I'm very familiar with the law. I shot this duck and I can extract it from this property." The owner said, "You're not from here, are you? We do things a little different around here. If we want to settle an argument one person kicks the other person three times and then the other person gets a turn to do the same thing. The first person to give up loses the argument." Knowing the lawyer didn't have much of a chance in court he agreed. The owner kicked him once in the leg, then in the stomach, then in the crotch. The lawyer falls to the ground, then says "That was rough but now it's my turn." Then the owner says, "Nah, that's okay. I give up. You can have the duck."

[burningman]

Cheesy but i found it on a great site called http://www.lol.com
She was soo blonde she stared at the orange juice because it said concentrate