History of Medicine
I have an earache.
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2003 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
" Two Americans sitting in bar first man said to other " I have lot of family problems.
Second man said : "
I will tel you mine .i married a widow with a daughter.My father married that daughter.
So my father become my son in law , my daughter become my mother, my wife become my grandma.
More problems occurred when i had a son .My son is my mother's brother and my uncle.When my father had a son he is my brother that is my brother is my grandson becoz my father married my daughter ! . Ultimately i have become my own grandfather and grandson !! .....
Now tell me your problem " ......heheehe.....
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support:
*"Do you have a sledgehammer handy?"
* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
* "So, what are you wearing?"
* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
In the spring of 2002, at New York's Kennedy airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious "Al-Gebra" movement. He has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
The Honor System Virus:
Comes up with this message ...
"Please delete all the files on your hard drive and manually forward
this virus to everyone on your mailing list."
" Two Americans sitting in bar first man said to other " I have lot of family problems.
Second man said : " I will tel you mine .i married a widow with a daughter.My father married that daughter.
So my father become my son in law , my daughter become my mother, my wife become my grandma.
More problems occurred when i had a son .My son is my mother's brother and my uncle.When my father had a son he is my brother that is my brother is my grandson becoz my father married my daughter ! . Ultimately i have become my own grandfather and grandson !! .....
"
Now tell me your problem " ......heheehe.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7x1ETPkZsk I'm my own grandpaw
The Honor System Virus:
Comes up with this message ...
"Please delete all the files on your hard drive and manually forward
this virus to everyone on your mailing list."
My sympathies/laughs for all those IT people who would actually be asked if user received this, "What should I do?"--LOL, good one!
What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!
Lol, dam!!
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Probz already been posted but hey
Do you believe in Cod?
Christians believe if they do not sin they will have salivation.
We must try to control our animal orgies.
What means “you should never stone the first cast”?
Which religion do you use?
Our church has smaller members every week.
I Know that if I pray hard,
God will forgive me for my shins.
I think maybe our house is haunted with dead goats.
People don’t think for themselves. Most people have the same religion their parrots had.
If you don’t believe in God your spit can go to hell.
The thirty largest religious leaders met to
talk about world hunger.
Jesus lived during the Roman Catholic Empire.
I think Moses was that guy that climbed into a mountain. then he read God’s Ten Big Rules from the top.
Do you believe some part of you
still lives after you are dead?
You mean organ donation?
I don’t agree with some of the conceptions
in that church.
We believe the spit of our ancestors stays with us
and helps our food to grow.
At that time, the romanians had stronger arms so they controled the Judists.
When the bad army tried to follow them in the land of milky honey land, probably they couldn’t walk on water so they sank.
When turtles are afraid, they can stick their head into themselves and disappear.
A bottom dweller is a fish that mostly dwells on bottoms.
Do you know what “elevation” means?
Yes. It means we all came from Dinosaur eggs.
Isaac Newton was the first discoverer of gravy.
The ocean is usually located near the coast.
The unihorn is an animal that has always been extinct
The octopus uses its long, muscled
testicles to grab its food.
We sent some robots to mars but they
refused to come back
There are many arguments how was the universe made. Some astrolomers belive in the big band theory.
That night, we went skin dipping- Just the two of us!
You mean you went skinny dipping?
It is called skinny dipping? But I’m not very skinny!
Well, that’s what they call it if you go swimming nude.
What is “Nude?”
Nude means Naked. No clothes or swimsuits.
Naked? No! I would never skin dip naked! There are little slippery fish everywhere! We skinned dipped with our underwear over us.
We were lovers,
but now she is my biggest enema!
We have hated each other for so long.
I want to borrow the hatchet.
My relationship with my
ax girlfriend was so painful.
FOOD AND COOKING
Do you like this food?
I made it from scratching!
I never liked mushrooms,
but now they are starting to grow in me.
Do you like your coffee cremated?
Are you hungry? I have dirty toes.
You have what?
Dirty toes. In my back pack.
Um, can you spell that?
Maybe D-O-R-I-T-O-S. Do you
Want to try one?
No thanks. I’m not so hungry
right now.
—Put the cabbages in salt water.
Then sit in the sink until the morning.
—Add two cups of ground flowers.
—Next, chop all the vegetarians
into little pieces.
—Then add small feces of fish.
—Don’t forget to insult the soup.
—Next, add a little Buddha
and mix it all up.
—When you are finished cooking,
find a suitable bowel and eat it with chopsticks.
HEALTH
Last night, when I ate dinner I started joking.
My friend hit my back very hard
until I stopped.
I was so lucky he was there!
A cold is caused by micro-orgasms in your nose.
I had a little ass dent this morning but I’m okay now.
My leg has been breaking for three weeks.
It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant.
I have a very kinky neck.
I probably should have gone to the doctor
one ear ago.
I want my face to have
the buttocks treatment.
The what?
The buttocks treatment. It makes your
wrinkles go away. It’s very famous
in Hollywood.
Oh. It’s pronounced “bo tox”.
That’s it. The buttocks treatment.
Maybe you need it too a little.
PARENTS
I always ate lunch at school.
But every day my mother made me suffer.
My bed has three blankets
and a large guilt my parents gave me.
My father met us at the airport
and gave me a big hog.
Then he hogged my wife.
Renting and Dorm and Apartment Living
Me and my brother share
a small womb in the basement.
We live on the sex floor.
Our apartment is small but we have a nice view.
WEDDINGS
I have something exciting to tell you.
My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!
The groom was wearing
A very nice croissant.
He lifted the veal off her face
and gave her a big kiss.
WEATHER
This morning, I was walking outside,
when suddenly a big shower fell on me!
Yesterday I had strong wind here.
Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful
about that. Once a car starts lusting,
there’s no way to stop it.
The entire country has been
devastated by a long trout.
When a volcan explodes, millions
of tons of larva can bury a city
TUTORING
I am so eager to mate you!
Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?
You look sad today. Do you want to expose yourself to me?
I’m sorry, but I couldn’t write my essay.
My roommate had a toothache this morning.
So you couldn’t write your essay?
Yes! She was swelling and decaying badly!
TRAVELING
Once I tripped all the way to Hawaii.
How far should I tip the driver?
I heard California is full of nude peaches.
In some countries, you should only drink the water
a tourist already drank. Maybe it will taste bad,
but it will not have poison.
You can’t sleep with me because it is
too crowded. But you can probably
sleep with my sister. That’s what most
of my friends do when they visit.
OTHER
The cheerleaders threw up high into the air!
The police were attacked by a large group
of angry mops.
The article said there are only maybe five thousand beers left in B.C. This is a very serious problem… I think maybe we should only let very small people go beer hunting every year.
Christians believe if they do not sin they will have salivation.
If you don’t believe in God your spit can go to hell.
Should keep you LOLing for hours :D
(Source: www.innocentenglish.com)
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on your bread will catch it.
I read somewhereworkers like basketball
lwr management, football
upr management, tennis
rich *****s golf==> the richer you get, the smaller the balls
Insult humor:
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot!
3. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
So I guess I drink the holy water everyday!LOL
Photographer take a picture of a VIP with some pigs in a farm.
Next day in New Paper that picture appeared with this caption :
VIP (second from the left ) helps farmers !
I thought this was pretty funny...
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
LOL, men, lol!
I liked the way you tried for others to make them laugh.They are really awesome.I liked it.Its very interesting.
Computer Facts:
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Remember:
"Y'all" is singular.
"All y'all" is plural.
"All y'all's" is plural possessive.
A sinner's toast:
"May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead."
A young Irish woman went to the doctor to deliver her first baby. Upon her arrival the doctor asked her into the examining room and told her to remove her pants. Well, she would have none of that, telling the doctor that she had already removed them once too often!
"Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish."
-- Benny Hill
Q: "Did you hear about the JAP who had plastic surgery?"
A: "Her husband cut up her credit cards."
For the few who don't know, a JAP is a Jewish American Princess.
A Jewish mother would never say this:
"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"
"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."
"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery."
"I don't have a tissue with me -- just use your sleeve."
"I saw your subscription to Playboy was expiring so I sent in a check to renew."
"Mother's day, Shmother's Day you just go to the beach and enjoy yourselves."
Our cat had mittens after she swallowed a ball of yarn.
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys
to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her,
have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Q: "How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "Fourteen - one to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap."
Advice to the girls:
Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
Chocolate satisfies, even when it has gone soft.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can have chocolate on top of your desk.
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