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Disorder in the Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORN EY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_____ __________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidd'in me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidd'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
Autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Votes + Comments
Laughed my ass off!
For making my day :) thank you.
Haha.. i loved the last part :D
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Disorder in the Court...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

This is vintage Aia! You made me laugh!

0

i guess i might get trouble for this... but its worth a try...

do you know why mexicans don't have an olympic team?
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.

because all those who can run, jump and swim are already in america...

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i thought so... but, you know... here (meaning Honduras) everything's the same... we get EVERYTHING (from movies, to books, and seems that even jokes) a little too late...

0

Sometimes when i reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work. Then their hopes and dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than to be selfish and worry about my liver.
- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-Henny
Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Brian O'Rourke

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin

1

Some more of exams..

* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it
wants to go.

* Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

* Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener from hardware section.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo from our pet section.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer, call our Legal services.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

Votes + Comments
I don't know where you come up with these jokes, but you know it and thats the important thing. :)
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Hope I am not breaking the rules of "keep it clean".. :)

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest,yet spontaneous. You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer, as somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under. You have two options - you can save the life of G. W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men. So here's the question and please give an honest answer.

Would you:
A) Select high contrast colour film
B) Go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is
told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He
checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He
discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then
they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil
comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly
the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting
to get in? "

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil was a software engg, so he swipes the card, comes in, checks his mails and then goes to the cafeteria....."

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Farmer John was taking his cow and its new born calf to sell in the auction.
On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree.
Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped.
They however left the new born calf behind.

Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry.
Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by.
They recognized John and untied him.

When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.
"Why are you thrashing the poor calf? His neighbors asked?
To which farmer John replied…


"I have been telling this beast for the past two days repeatedly - I am not your mother! I am not your mother...I'm not your mother...!"

2

An English teacher is teaching kids new words. As an exercise she gives an assignment to all kids to learn a new word from the dictionary and use it in a sentence.
Next day she asks Harry "So Harry what is your word?"
Harry says: "Pregnant" and it means "carrying a child."
Teacher "Use it in a sentence"
Harry "A fireman went inside a burning house and came out pregnant."

Votes + Comments
A hero that fireman is.
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A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the stewardess asks what they would like to drink.

"Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot.

The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!"

The stewardess runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty.
Half an hour later the stewardess makes a second round.


The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke.

Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper.

The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke!

The service here stinks!"

Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.

At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

1

How many Chelmites (fools) does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight. One to screw in the new bulb, and seven to find some light to put in it.

How many imbeciles does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to hold the lightbulb and four to rotate him.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven. One to do it and ten to say "I think Neal Peart would have handled that differently."

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please refrain from posting images as a part of your jokes. This will unnecessarily occupy daniweb servers and also slow it down for no reason. there are no issues in sharing a joke but not at the cost of Daniweb's Performance.

This thread will then grow more to a spam than that of a nice place to have some fun! Hope I'm not trampling on others' fun and as well making my point clear

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There are no issues whatsoever concerning posting images as long as they don't break the site rules, which in this case is not the issue. Keep posting good jokes and enjoy, I am sure Dani won't mind. :-)

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This mite sound a little cheesy!

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

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good one arjunsasidharan
mine too is a bit same
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger..... Now learn to pay attention..."

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