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Dear Grandson Snee:

I have become a little older since I saw you last,
and a few changes have come into my life since then.
Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.

I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I
wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then
I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along,
and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and
attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up
and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to
stay in one place very long, so he takes me from
joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really
tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love,
Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said
at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I
told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where
I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or
down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I
here after?"

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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If General Electric would purchase the airline Alitalia, would the new airline be named Genitalia?

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One man to another: "I made the most embarrassing mistake yesterday. I went to the airport, and the woman behind the counter had such a big chest that I asked her for a ticket to Tittsburgh!"

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I decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0.

You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

One more thing that annoys, all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

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On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: "Today I am going
to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of
snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs
overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants
prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli, and they shall be known
to all the people on earth."

"But Lord," asked the Angels, "don't you think you are being too generous
to these Israeli's?"

"Not really," God replied, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to
give them."

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Old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-lookin' woman passes
by, on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting,
and says, "Chance!"

The same happens several days in a row. Woman walks past, The
Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"

Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and
asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?"

He nods.

She says, "I always thought Indians said `How!' as a greeting."

Indian says, "Already know how, just want chance!"

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Very funny Snee! You might have to explain to our friends from India that Indians over here are native Americans, at least the few that are left over.

Now I have to come up with something funny, a little dated, but here it is:
Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinski and the rest of us?
A: When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote.

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The Flash looks out his window and sees Wonder Woman naked, sunbathing with her legs wide open. The Flash had always fancied Wonder Woman and sees this as his opportunity. With his super speed, he figured he could bang her in less than a second and she wouldn’t even realize it. So he decides to go for it…whoosh! Bam! Bam! Bam! After a second, the flash swoops away with an evil grin on his face. Wonder Woman asks Invisible Man who is on top of her, already banging her, “What was that, honey?” “I don’t know”, Invisible Man replied, “but my ass sure hurts!”

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The Pentagon admitted Sunday that a 2,000-pound bomb dropped by a U.S. Navy fighter accidentally landed on a row of houses in Kabul. The CIA's targeting is improving each and every year. This time, we missed the Chinese embassy by a good five blocks.

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A guy phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home.

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Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since:

Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:

The less you know, the more you make.

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Excerpts from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected.

1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse, this is called monotony.

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Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern
washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a
genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.

"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because
of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty
of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money,
because after I've written my book, and do all my interviews, I'll
have all the money I could ever want."

"I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's
it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

The genie waved his hand. Zap! Her ears vanished.

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A couple of years ago, six toilets were stolen from the Richmond Police Department.
Police were mystified and said that they had nothing to go on.

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These two strings walk into a bar and sit down.

The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"

The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdkCjfdLk jk3s d#f67howeU r89nvyowmc63Dz x.xvcu"

"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

(may only make sense to the C folks)

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You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you
to notice. And, we have noticed that some of our notices have
not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed
that the responses to the notices have been noticeably
unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice
the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want
the notices to go unnoticed.

From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices

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Answers to test questions:

1. What state is west of Rhode Island? Connuctic

2. What was the result of the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand? He got assinated.

3. What happened after Germany invaded Poland? Some other things happened.

4. What was the Balfour Declaration? Take your base.

5. What is a histogram? A medical test for allergies.

6. What threat was developed next after the A-bomb? The B-bomb.

7. "Relief" was changed into what government program? Rolaids

8. Name three personal rights: Life, liberty, ice cream.

9. Define energy and work: What I don't have enough of, and what teachers give us too much of.

10. Define kurtosis: A disease of the liver caused by drinking too much.

11. How many countries are in Central America? All of them.

12. What happened at Ft. Sumter? The start of the silver war.

13. What was the Monroe Doctrine: A prescription for truble.

14. Who was Julius Caesar: Sid Caesar's brother.

15. Write a sentence about Vitas Gerulaitis: Vitas Gerulaitis is tissue damage due to a loss of blood flow during surgery.

16. Name the three branches of government: President, Logistitative, Military.

17. Name three things Thomas Edison invented: Light, sound, tickle tape.

18. Why were the colonists angry at King George: Taxacation without represington.

19. What branch of mathematics was invented by Isaac Newton: Gravity

20. What two astronomical theories competed in the time of Galileo? Aristootle and Copernickel,

21. There are 23 what in the nucleus of a human cell? Pairs of jeans.

22. (This question was given verbally) Where is Aegean Sea? The first three strings on a ukulele.

23. Where is Sicily? About to be kicked by Italy.

23. Where is Sicily? Sicily Adams is in a cemetery. She's dead.

24. Why was the discovery of oil in Texas so important? To get rid of squeaks.

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What You Learn About Computers In Movies
There are some interesting things you can learn about the behavior of computer in movies (and in television). Here's a list of some of the more curious observations about movie computers:

  • Word processors never display a cursor, but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW.
  • You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
  • All monitors display 2-inch high letters.
  • High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
  • Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  • Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES on any keyboard.
  • Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing UPLOAD VIRUS. Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.
  • All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
  • Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
  • All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.
  • People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
  • A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
  • Any PERMISSION DENIED has an override function.
  • Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
  • When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
  • If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
  • If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
  • No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
  • The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
  • Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
  • Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY-MP.
  • Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
  • Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
  • Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
  • Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for

me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

1

A black man walk in a cafe early in the morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said, "Coloured people are not allowed here."


The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:

"When I was born I was black,"

"When I grew up I was black,"

"When I'm sick I'm black,"

"When I go in the sun I'm black,"


"When, I'm cold I'm black"


"When I die I'll be black."


"But you sir..."

"When you're born you're pink,"


"When you're sick, you're green,"


"When you go in the sun you turn red,"


"When you're cold you turn blue,"


"And when you die you turn purple."


"And you have the nerve to call me coloured"

The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

Votes + Comments
very, very funny and true!
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